Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Top Five 90's Actresses I Miss Seeing in Movies

You guys,

Working in entertainment is hard. Not hard like AP Calculus, but hard in that "Hot damn, I've been pushing this rock up this hill for ages now and it keeps rolling down like that guy Syphillis Diller or something" kind of hard.

(Fact: I assume AP Calc is hard, I got a C- in regular calc. Maybe it's super easy and they just had Pi parties everyday. Great, now I want pie.)

 As a struggling D list screenwriter/former agent assist/casting slave, let me tell you. THIS.BUSINESS.IS.HARD.

The cat is you. The poop water is showbiz.  You might want to take a shower.
People used to tell me, "if there is anything else you can do, do it instead." I always thought that this was dickish advice, but I've gotta say, they may have a point.  Which brings my meandering train of thought back to the point of this post: where have all those great 90's actresses gone? You know, the ones who were in every movie, cracking jokes or being weird who just fell off the planet? What happened to those ladies? Did they quit the biz and open up a candle shop in Santa Fe? Did they succumb to drugs and alcohol and get an E! special? Are they still acting, but on weird shows made up of initials that I don't watch like NCIS or or CUNT or DDS? Although I would totally watch a show called CUNT.

So here it is, top five actresses to whom I would like to know what the fuck happened:

1. Lori Petty



You remember her as: Kit, the scrappy little sister from A League of Their Own. Or as the titular Tank Girl, in one of my favorite cult 90's classics. Petty also appeared in Free Willy, Point Break, and Prison Break, where she played a character called "Daddy". This just in, I need to watch Prison Break. 

Where is she now: Wrote and directed the autobiographical film Poker House, which according to IMDb is "a dramatization of Petty's teenage years spent in small town Iowa."

2. Fairuza Balk



You remember her as: Nancy from The Craft, and parts in Gas Food Lodging and Waterboy. But seriously, you guys, The Craft. "These are my gifts!!" This movie was essential to any 90's slumber party. Admit it, you had a coven in middle school.

Also, Honorable Mention, her role in Almost Famous: "Is this MaryAnne with the pot?" Classic. 

Where is she now: Some indies and voiceover work. She also released a single under the artist title Armed Love Militia. 

3. Larisa Oleynik




You remember her as: Bianca from 10 Things I Hate About You and Alex Mack from The Secret World of Alex Mack. You know, that show where her superpower was turning into a puddle of Gak? Wow, remember when Gak was a thing? I bet someone tried to snort it and died. Moving on...

Where is she now: Oleynik has actually been working pretty steadily in film and television, appearing most recently as Ken Cosgrove's wife on Mad Men. Mad Men is that show that you love more than Sketchers AND your Gucci backpack. 

4. Neve Campbell


You remember her as: Julia from Party of Five, Sydney from the Scream movies, and that time she mouth sexed Denise Richards in Wild Things. 

Where is she now: Living in London, doing theatre, and appearing in random miniseries and indies. Come on Neve, come back to America! If JLoHew can do that handy jay show on Lifetime, there's no limit to what you could do! 

5. Susan May Pratt


You remember her as: The name may not ring a bell, but this girl was in every teen movie of the 90's. And I mean EVERY movie: 10 Things I Hate About You, Drive Me Crazy, and most importantly, Center Stage. Remember this gem?

"I am a prima ballerina! And what are you? You're nothing!"  

FUN FACT: Her character's name in 10 Things was Mandella. BWAHAHAHAHA. That is absurd.  

Where is she now: Appears on television and in movies, most notably this one:





Hold the fucking phone, is that monkey holding a throwing star?!?  Hello, Amazon Wish List!

Kristen Stewart is the top earning female in Hollywood, will pick up the check for your hot date tonight


Hey Girl, guess what? Our shared tomboy/crush object/frown enthusiast Kristen Stewart was just named the highest paid actress in Hollywood by your Grandpa’s favorite magazine, Forbes. 


I bought this off the rack.


According to Forbes contributor Dorothy Pomerantz, “Stewart’s earnings between May 2011 and May 2012 totaled $34.5 million,” bumping your other girlfriend/savior Angelina Jolie out of the #1 spot. It seems that between marrying sparkly vampires in the Twilight saga and brewing up some tasty subtext with Charlize Theron, our girl has made a killing. 



But is this a testament to the drawing power of Kristen Stewart, or just the dumb luck of her landing in the one of the most successful book and film franchises in the last decade? She certainly doesn't scream "movie star", with her trademark awkwardness and her lack of polish. In fact, she is probably one of the most polarizing top earners ever. Stewart doesn't fit neatly into any classic Hollywood archetype: she is not America's Sweetheart, the Femme Fatale, or the Sexpot. If anything, she's the awkward girl standing in the corner at the party who is all too willing to split a joint with you out by the garage. 

But maybe that's the appeal. Maybe we want to see actresses who aren't perfect, who curse and talk smack and who generally seem to not give that much of a fuck. Maybe Kristen Stewart is symbolic of the Disheveled Girl who is popping up in movies, on tv screens (oh hai Lena Dunham), and in your underwear because she forgot to bring her own pair. Or maybe she's in her underwear because she's you. And you wear your own underwear...when you get around to doing to the laundry that is. 

What laundry looks like when you live with a derby girl










Sunday, May 22, 2011

America's Next Top Model All-Stars!!!

Hey Kids!

So by now, you've probably heard the oh-so-exciting and stellar news that Tyra Banks is is jumping on the "reality tv all-stars season" bandwagon.



In the upcoming lunar menses cycle 17 of ANTM, Tyra will be pitting former models against each other for a challenge at redemption, revenge, and an inescapable return to anonymity that winning ANTM gives you.

I just hope that this leads to the return of Tyra's singing career:


Clearly the woman is a musical genius. She rhymes "playa" with "play ya".

Anywayzle, the list of all-stars has been released, and while I'm excited to see the return of some old favs (i.e. Isis the Tranny, Bre the granola bar hoarder, etc.)  I can't help but be shocked at the stars who aren't returning.

So here is my list of the

 Top Five ANTM Cast-Offs Who Should Be All-Stars:

5.  

Heather, Cycle 9, 4th Runner-Up

aka "The Asperger's Girl"

Heather, look over here. No, over here...fuck it.
WHY SHE MATTERS: Heather wowed the judges with her gorgeous looks and poses, but confused everybody by frequently staring off into space during panel, and generally not giving a fuck.

FAMOUS QUOTES: I think this scene just about sums it up:


WHY SHE WOULD WIN: Awesome photos, nails the "model malaise" made famous by Kate Moss, only without all the drugs and booze.

WHY SHE WOULD LOSE: Had to have Jay Manuel feed her Cover Girl commercial script line by line, causing him to miss a spray tan session. You DON'T make Mr. Jay miss a spray tan session.

4.

Jade, Cycle 6, 3rd Runner-Up

aka "The Crazy as Fuck Girl"

I am the face of your nightmares.
WHY SHE MATTERS: Jade brought a triple scoop of crazy to Cycle 6, with her arrogance, her made-up words, and her batshit crazy spoken word poetry. She also kissed a cockroach on a leash.

FAMOUS QUOTES: This is a tough one, as Jade has said some real gems. Here are some favs:

"This is not America's Next Top Best Friend!"

"My name is Jade. The ace of spades. Yo Furonda, my dear, I know your skin is bumpy, but my skin is flawless and yours is lookin' kinda lumpy."

Jade also had her own language, Jadenese, which has yet to catch on. Here's a taste:



WHY SHE WOULD WIN: Unrelenting confidence, good pictures, the ability to confuse the panel with her stream of consciousness ramblings.

WHY SHE WOULD LOSE: If there was a challenge about questions. Because, as evidenced in this clip, JADE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT A FUCKING QUESTION IS.



Jade should be brought back, if only so we can hear "Leftover Lady Part 2."



3.

Michelle, Cycle 7, 4th Runner-Up

aka "The Ambiguously Gay Twin Girl"




WHY SHE MATTERS: Michelle and her twin sister Amanda were the ones to beat straight out of the gate, after their "models with eating disorders" shoot. Drama soon unfolded however, as Michelle realized she might be gay, and that while she was a better model than her sister, she didn't want it as much.

BTW, this is what gay acceptance looks like on ANTM:


Hey Michelle, we heard you were gay, so we thought we'd
 dress you up as Ellen and Portia. That's cool, right?


FAMOUS QUOTES: This is not a quote from the show, but an actual conversation I had with Michelle when I met her at a bar in LA:

ME: Hey, you're that girl from Top Model!

MICHELLE: Yeah, hi.

ME: So, did Tyra's wigs ever gain self awareness and go on a killing rampage like HAL in 2001?

MICHELLE: Ha, no. I don't think so.

WHY SHE WOULD WIN: Strong photos, good angles, seems to be a normal person and not a robot.


WHY SHE WOULD LOSE: Debatable how cool she'd be sans sister.

2.

Michelle, Cycle 4, 6th Runner-Up

aka "The Scabies is Eating My Face Off!! Girl"


We know you have a choice when you fly, and we appreciate you choosing Scabies Airlines!


 WHY SHE MATTERS: Michelle dealt with a lot of issues on her cycle, from coming to terms with her bisexuality to being ravaged by scabies/flesh-eating zombie face.

(Side Note: why does ANTM cause so many sexual identity crises/revelations? I mean, I get it, you're surrounded by gorgeous girls...but they are also kinda the worst people ever. It would be like falling in love with Germans after a nice tour of Auschwitz.)

But seriously, the full tilt jungle madness that ensued after the rumor of Michelle's contagious scab face(which turned out to be impetigo) included tears, screaming, and some dry heaves.

A dramatic re-enactment below:



FAMOUS QUOTES:

Not from Michelle directly, but from fellow contestant Kahlen, after Mr. Jay comes out in old man make-up:

Kahlen: "I think the reason Mr. Jay dressed up was to show us that even though Michelle has scabies, she can still be beautiful."

WHY SHE WOULD WIN:  Still made it over halfway through the show, with face scabies...who knows how well she'd do without.

WHY SHE WOULD LOSE: Followed ANTM by being a contestant on WWE Tough Enough. And Tyra doesn't like it when her girls go rogue. See Curry, Adrienne.


1. Natasha, Cycle 8, 1st Runner-Up

aka "The Russian Mail Order Bride Girl"


In Soviet Russia, face smizes you!
WHY SHE MATTERS: Natasha killed it in Cycle 8. Always chipper and friendly, and unafraid to make herself a grill out of tin foil when the occasion called for it.


Yep, that's her on the left.

Does she make pimpin' look easy? Of course. Natasha also enjoys long walks in the Moscow winters, and cooing into her phone innapropriately to her hubby. Let's hear her romantic story:




OH SHIT, is she a mail-order bride?!? What is happening on this show?!?!

FAMOUS QUOTES:

"Its hard for me to get, because I don't talk, like, English. I speak basic words."

(When Brittany throws a hysterical fit after being disqualified from the go-see challenge) "I just want to tell you that some people have war in their countries."

WHY SHE WOULD WIN:  Great attitude, seems like a decent human being, chameleon in her photos.

WHY SHE WOULD LOSE: Might already have been deported.


So those are my picks, anyone important you guys think I missed? And before you say Jaslene the tranny who talks like she's hearing impaired, well...she actually won Cycle 8. I know, right?


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Rihanna wears chain mail shorts...

Okay, I have nothing against Rihanna. She makes hit songs, she doesn't seem to be a douchebag, and she's really good at squeezing in extra words into her song lyrics.

(SexintheairIdontcareIlovethesmellofit? That's too many syllables Rihanna, let it go.)

But come on, lady:


I may be good but these shorts are perfectly bad.
Wait, what is that barely covering your ass? Is that spray painted on?

Nope. It's chain mail shorts, people. Chain.Mail.Shorts.

Or as I like to call them, "chorts."

It's like, what you would get if you crossed this:


Yeah, I gots antibiotics in both bags, what?

With this:

A little Monty Python reference goes a long way....


So what is the lesson here? When life gives you chain mail, make yourself a pair of chorts.

Oh Kim Catrall....

I would like to start off this blog by saying the following:

I'm a 26 year old, college educated woman.

I do my own laundry.

I pay my taxes.

For all intensive purposes, I am an adult.

Having said that, everytime I see this poster for "Meet Monica Velour" I start giggling like a 13-year old boy. But can you blame me?

What, this is how I take stockings off.
I don't know if it's the pose, or the stocking or the Kim Catrall-ness of it all, but this is ridiculous.

 Not to knock the movie or anything: I haven't seen the film, it might be great, it might be shit, who knows.

But it is nice to see Kim Catrall playing older and slutty, something new and different for her.
(Just kidding Kim Catrall, we all love you, SATC was a ground-breaking show, feminism, blahblahblah).


But this poster is nutburgers. So thanks a lot Kim Catrall, for ruining stockings for everybody.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Your New Vocabulary #1

"Snatch-22":

1) referring to a situation in which, no matter what you do, you will come off as a snatch.

Ex. "Oh no! Blanche's make-your-own-mustard party is at the same time as Belinda's MILF-actualization workshop. I can't make it to both, and they take cancellations ever so personally!"


What a conundrum of snatchery!

2) a situation wherein no matter what choice you make, you will have to deal with a snatch and her snatchy attitude.

Ex. " Dammit, I don't want to judge this Eva Braun lookalike contest, but if I go home I'll have to deal with my mother-in-law and her methheaded crochet buddies!"

Lindsay drops the Lohan....

Okay, I'm really trying to be Team Lindsay. Unlike most tabloid fixtures, Lindsay actually has/had some acting talent...I mean come guys, she brought us Mean Girls:

They're not gonna tell you where the coke is, so stop asking.
Arguably one of the funniest movies of the 2000s. Seriously, I quote it on a near daily basis.

And through all the shit-talking, drunk stumbling, sisterhood of the traveling coke pants wearing shenanigans, I have really tried to cut Lindsay some slack. Until this:

According to reports, Lindsay is looking to drop her last name Lohan and just go by Lindsay. Just one name.

Like Madonna. Or Cher. Or Gaga.

Just no, Lindsay. Just no.



On the one hand, can you blame her? Look at this fucking Lohan:

See-through t shirt enterprises, may I help you?
Or this other fucking Lohan?

Biiiiiiiiitch please!
If I shared a gene pool with those idiots I'd wanna change my name too. But really, the "I'm a celebrity with one name" thing kinda needs to be earned.

One name equals notoriety. It conjures up ideas of legend, of myth, of greater than normal. Like Hercules, Adonis, Lady Gaga. I mean, if you rock the one name, you need to bring something crazy and otherworldly to the table.

Like this:

Brought to you by the House of Hormel


Or this:

And I was like, bam!
But not this:

It's her fault, she was watching Georgia Rule...

So wake up Lindsay, and get your career back on track, so that maybe, one day, you may be deserving of the uni-moniker.